Cheeky Chatty

Prior to turning 30, I was constantly in an anxious state afraid that I was on the road to no where, unaware of my purpose in life.  As if on queue, a series of events occurred and a more than a year later, I have finally reached a level of understanding.  It seems that after doing a lot of what I don't want to do, and being in places I don't want to be, I have finally managed to stand up to my inner avoidance and declare war.  Funny thing is that I read somewhere that a Buddhist hell involves dreams of epic battles that doesn't seem winnable.  Since middle school those dreams have plagued my mind, and I could never determine what side I was on.  Perhaps in my previous life I was stoic to my surroundings, and died regretting achievement of my personal pursuit.  Now I seem to live as if any day I will die, refusing to survive and only live. Just about a week ago, I was in stress mode when I had to list the places I've lived and worked within ...

My soul went on a journey, leaving me in an anxious state.   Searching for a cause, which was calling out so great. Traveling back through time, and then forward through space, until it finally paused upon a found mind, with a surprisingly familiar face. Is this my true love that cannot be?  Calling me from his mind, in a room apart from his family. My body became calm, and I fell asleep...leaving the souls together for a little while...momentairly.

Solitude and lonlieness are two separate things.  Solitdude means that you have found purpose in your alone time (exempting those in confinement).  Lonlieness is mental anxiety.  Being alone with yourself...fears and all.  Being alone forces you to take a look at your life from the outside in, and the affect is greater if you are beyond your elements.  Here I am, nearing the age of 31, always looking for adventure, and yet have no patience for when and where.  Spontaneous decisions that most people take years to plan, but I think of in one month and hastly execute 2 or 3 months later.  Chasing sunsets across cities, ridges and valleys.  Sleeping in a vehicle with no room to put the seat down, and have swollen feet that can't fit inside shoes.  No place to officially call home, and once I do....there isn't anywhere to put my belongings, because I discarded and left everything else as if the state of Maryland was under attack.  ...

If a guy claims he's too nice...chances are, he isn't.  People who attribute such roles to themselves have proclaimed that outward image.  Only by stating what you are, is an attempt to believe who you want to be. I'd like to think that I'm a nice person, but I do meet people I wish to be hit by a bus.  In reality, that is not the thinking of a "nice" person, but a human being.  I can be nice, evil, compassionate, and caring; however, I  already know those things, and don't have to label myself to make me believe what I'm not. Self proclaimed Mr. Nice Guys are just undiscovered assholes. This weekend I thought of ways people "bait" others for various reasons.  It could be for personal or business gain, and I envisioned how fishermen bait their hooks for a fish.  Depending on your preference, the fish is either kept or thrown back.  Either way, the process of fishing itself is planned and thought out.  Where to fish, what to f...

Collectively, the theme of the week seems to be about letting go of the past.  It seems easy to do, but when the doors become opened, the past becomes the present.  Memories that were once buried into a time safe, become unearthed into a shattering new world...that is robust with life.  Memories that I wasn't aware of their emotional character and physical clout. Last night as we exhaustingly drove through a familiar town to our final destination, I was submerged into a whirlwind of laughter, pain, music, duty, food, and a semblance of love.  The past was living parallel to the present; in which my current self was examining who I was, and the striking difference could not be sanely evaluated.  Were you really happy?  Was life really fun?  Undoubtedly, you were deeply in love. What would the younger self say to me now?  "If I knew I would be washed out at 30, I probably should have stayed in..."  Yes, she would be very disappointed. ...

To this day I have no idea how my mom managed as a military spouse with 5 kids, and being a Family Care Provider of 6 kids during the day.  I can barely manage 2 as a single parent, and promptly clock out when my kids fall asleep.  "Mommy who at 10pm?" However, what prompted further understanding of a mother's world and mind was derived from a book I read this past week; Please Look After Mom .  It is a phenomenal book, where the mom becomes lost in a subway station, and her children begin to really think about her role as a mother, and realize that she too had a life and thoughts beyond that role.  At one point in the book, prior to the mom missing, one of the daughters questioned whether or not their mom liked being in the kitchen.  All day they would see her preparing meals, and never thought about whether she liked it or not.  However, the response of the mother was that it was something that had to be done. As parents, we just do things that have ...

Here I am again, perched on my couch, with a giddy school girl laugh....deeply reeled into   Korean dramas .  Their amusement, characters, story lines, and country have royally killed my love life.  In my world there are no A typical men vying for my attention, with caveman like romances.  Nope, I get the quiet observant males who'll keep their hearts to theirself, while I continue to wonder around searching for potentials in other cities.  Unfortunately, I don't notice the quiet ones, because like many things in my whirlwind world, it's hard to see what wants to be hidden, or what I overlook due to my goldfish mentality. Perhaps I'm sabotaging myself, and have become a succubus to my own life.  I already know the perfect male doesn't exist, with fluorescent lights indicating their "perfect" qualities, that may or may not be in tune with mine.  However, when I look at these nicely orchestrated dramas, I can't help but think that ...