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Age of Reason



Prior to turning 30, I was constantly in an anxious state afraid that I was on the road to no where, unaware of my purpose in life.  As if on queue, a series of events occurred and a more than a year later, I have finally reached a level of understanding.  It seems that after doing a lot of what I don't want to do, and being in places I don't want to be, I have finally managed to stand up to my inner avoidance and declare war.  Funny thing is that I read somewhere that a Buddhist hell involves dreams of epic battles that doesn't seem winnable.  Since middle school those dreams have plagued my mind, and I could never determine what side I was on.  Perhaps in my previous life I was stoic to my surroundings, and died regretting achievement of my personal pursuit.  Now I seem to live as if any day I will die, refusing to survive and only live.

Just about a week ago, I was in stress mode when I had to list the places I've lived and worked within 10 years.  Perhaps I was emotionally homeless, I thought at one time when looking at the 11 compiled addresses.  However, I move to where my heart tells me.  In fact, most of my hippy decisions come from my inner voice.  Even when I think it's wrong, I still listen.  I know somewhere there is a lesson.  The last time I reluctantly listened, my whole being physically fought with the "bright idea", when I clearly knew better.  Don't make me do this, I pleaded and as I refused, it was like my body became ruptured with uncontrollable emotions...and I gave in.  Before I knew it I was married, preggo again and swiftly divorced.  What was the lesson?  Needless to say, I was on the verge of settling in a place I never wanted to be in.  By accepting a different path (challenge), I learned to never give up and settle for what I want.  I learned to fight for myself and others.  That crazy journey helped not only me, but all involved.

Years ago while in high school, I use to stay up all night watching old movies on AMC TV with my mom.  Of all the movies I thought, "Taming of the Shrew", starring Elizabeth Taylor was pretty ridiculous.  Why should she change her ways for some misogynist guy?  Although his tactics were crude, he was able to break her obstinate character, and they found love.  The same concept applies to life.  It can break you down until you refuse to fall, and help you achieve your goals.  It can take you through prototypes of love, until you realize what you need.  Along the journey, not only do we help ourselves but each other.  Life can not destroy us.  Underneath our mushy skin and innards, lies energy that can neither be destroyed nor created, but transferred. More than often I like to channel positive energy in and channel negative energy out.  However, I recently realized that procrastination is a form of negative energy, that I have since let go.  Not carrying that burden around, has made me feel 10 times lighter and limitless.    

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