Cheeky Chatty

To this day I have no idea how my mom managed as a military spouse with 5 kids, and being a Family Care Provider of 6 kids during the day.  I can barely manage 2 as a single parent, and promptly clock out when my kids fall asleep.  "Mommy who at 10pm?" However, what prompted further understanding of a mother's world and mind was derived from a book I read this past week; Please Look After Mom .  It is a phenomenal book, where the mom becomes lost in a subway station, and her children begin to really think about her role as a mother, and realize that she too had a life and thoughts beyond that role.  At one point in the book, prior to the mom missing, one of the daughters questioned whether or not their mom liked being in the kitchen.  All day they would see her preparing meals, and never thought about whether she liked it or not.  However, the response of the mother was that it was something that had to be done. As parents, we just do things that have ...

Here I am again, perched on my couch, with a giddy school girl laugh....deeply reeled into   Korean dramas .  Their amusement, characters, story lines, and country have royally killed my love life.  In my world there are no A typical men vying for my attention, with caveman like romances.  Nope, I get the quiet observant males who'll keep their hearts to theirself, while I continue to wonder around searching for potentials in other cities.  Unfortunately, I don't notice the quiet ones, because like many things in my whirlwind world, it's hard to see what wants to be hidden, or what I overlook due to my goldfish mentality. Perhaps I'm sabotaging myself, and have become a succubus to my own life.  I already know the perfect male doesn't exist, with fluorescent lights indicating their "perfect" qualities, that may or may not be in tune with mine.  However, when I look at these nicely orchestrated dramas, I can't help but think that ...

Sitting at a table near the cook, who was transforming noodles, vegetables, spices and meat into masterpieces of meals, with amazing simplicity.  Who we always assumed was his wife, shaped rice with a dish and prepared the meals, while a younger female refilled cups of tea from a water cooler, in which I always poured copiously with liquid sugar.  The best restaurant in the world, where you ate, and then left to make room for the patrons waiting outside.  The only place in the world, that served the best yakisoba....that still has me salivating 7 years later.  The only place that I have been to, where they were constantly packed, but remembered their customers. Driving in early humid mornings, and laughing at twitching sea crab legs sprawled out on the highway.  Driving along side the water which was so blue, and smelled of sea life.  A world consisting of perfect sunrises and sunsets, atop a place of tranquility and peace.  Combining the feel of th...

There are some days where I look at my children, and wonder what will become of their life.  After that, I think of ways to help prepare them for situations, that they should be able to control.  For instance, I remember getting in trouble in school because I was offended and arguing with kids about "your momma" jokes.  At that time, I was probably in the first grade, but I remember arguing my case to my mom, on how the kids were talking about her.  What she said, is something that changed my life; which was, "Nicole, they don't know me".  Instantly I understood, and had nothing else to say.  Lessons such as those, are currently work in progress within our household...and will be for a while. In fact, isn't it amazing how some people have no idea of who you are, and yet want to pass judgement on your beliefs, way of life, or moral character.  It's because of that, I look at my children, and wonder about all the things I love about them, and...

Entering Walmart, a young man greeted me and my family with a cart.  I did not see a badge, but thanked him and began our shopping.  Thinking of dinner items for the week, late night snacks, and toiletries, we wondered throughout the store to our usual aisles.  Finally, after enough hunger pains, and homework to do, we left the store an hour later. Leaving out the same door we came through, we were approached by a young lady selling candy from a bag.  I informed her that I didn't carry cash, and apologized.  However, while walking to the car, all I could think about was what were they using the money for, how old were they, and what's going on?  Either way, they seemed to be in need of help.  After the car was packed, and children were strapped in, we drove off.  While I was driving, I was calculating our expenses, and other ways our funds were going to be spent.  Before long, I found myself heading to the ATM.   Are they working...

So, here I am attempting another act...in the nude.  Sometimes I'd like to think certain things do not have such an effect on me, but that's just my delusional thinking.  However, late at night when I'm sitting on my couch deep in thought, accompanied by the TV, Internet, and sounds of the neighbors and of the night, my walls crumble down.  Fear, anxiety, and a surge of excitement cluster my brain cells.  My strategies that I once revelled in dissipates, and I am left with doubt, and find myself standing on a path that has split itself.  Either path is evenly filled with sacrifices, tenacity and compromises. While standing at the crossroads, all I am reminded of is 18 long months of fighting for common ground.  Yet, all of it has manifested into this moment, for the better.  Along with the worries, there are comforts.  Along with  fear, there is a sense of rebirth...and constant sanity check.  Unfortunately, through all the fighti...

There was  as sort of feeling that arose from today, and it could have been that spring has finally sprung and the cold weather will stay away. But whatever it was, for ever it may be, I felt an ease that will last what futuristically felt eternally. Sometimes I lie dormant, calm...happy, and then comes a jubilant moment where life seems clear, and I understand why things must be. In this panoramic view I can see you, me, we, and the intrinsic design of Aum...respectively. *Today is far from spring, but the emotion resurfaced nonetheless.