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Unaccompanied

This weekend a man 12 years my senior and newly divorced told me that he needs to learn from me.  For years he has been use to the presence and affection of his wife, and can't stand being without it.  Previous in the day, he asked if I have ever spent Thanksgiving alone, and I told him yes and all other holidays as well.  Later he asked when was my birthday, and I told him that it was last month and I spent the weekend here with his sister (I didn't feel the need to mention that it was my birthday).  Barb expressed how she forgot and felt bad.  I told them that it was fine, as I've never really celebrated my birthday as an adult.

Suddenly I was forced to realize my life, in which I expressed the following to John.  As a child I never considered myself a people person and relished in being alone.  I remember being in the first grade imagining that I was an astronaut in a spaceship all alone exploring the galaxy.  Looking through the window of my spaceship, I would focus on distant stars to fall asleep.  I was never affectionate (until I had children), but enjoyed the company of others.  I never cared what people thought of me, but wanted to make a good impression.  Even in my marriage we were tiresome roommates.  I told him that not everyone can be alone, and if he is having such a hard time after a year, he needs to start dating.

However, here I am at the age of 31, and for the rest of my life, I am willing to disrobe the nomadic shield, and settle down.  More than ever my mind is restless to be restful.  As an old friend would day after a night of fun, I'm done.  I want to be in love with a home., I want a backyard to lounge in.  I want neighbors to know, and I want walls to make collages, and I want animals to roam around.   At this age of 31, I've normally felt the age of 60.  Just recently I was awakened and have shed the hard years of my life.  It was like I jumped off a bridge ending something old and starting anew.  Beforehand I had false starts.  Now the engine is revved and I'm putting on my shades.  In my head Ke$ha says it best in Die Young, but I'll alter it for myself, "Lets make the most of this life, like we're going to die young.




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