Cheeky Chatty

Who are you to me that draws us together? Are you the sun illuminating the sky? Or are you the moon that gives rest and spotlight at night? Are you a dwarf planet, pretending to big? Or are you the belt of asteroids holding the secrets of my existence? Are you another solar system floating by? Or are you a dying star expunging objects in a finite time? I guess to understand you, I have to know me. And see where we fit...relativity

This weekend a man 12 years my senior and newly divorced told me that he needs to learn from me.  For years he has been use to the presence and affection of his wife, and can't stand being without it.  Previous in the day, he asked if I have ever spent Thanksgiving alone, and I told him yes and all other holidays as well.  Later he asked when was my birthday, and I told him that it was last month and I spent the weekend here with his sister (I didn't feel the need to mention that it was my birthday).  Barb expressed how she forgot and felt bad.  I told them that it was fine, as I've never really celebrated my birthday as an adult. Suddenly I was forced to realize my life, in which I expressed the following to John.  As a child I never considered myself a people person and relished in being alone.  I remember being in the first grade imagining that I was an astronaut in a spaceship all alone exploring the galaxy.  Looking through the window of m...

Pulsating...reverberating, into a spot of where something use to be. Removed by the thought of skewered reality. It use to beat out blood entrenched with love. Until it sickened itself and gave completely up. Misused and overworked for people not there. The heart can give up after so much wear and tear.     

I get slightly irritated when something major happens for a black person, and then people post things like "we" won.  What's with the division talk?  Divided enough as we are, how is it winning?  Will I get a check in the mail for a black person breaking a barrier?  I have yet to receive one.  What people here in America fail to realize is that we are one nation.  Other countries do not identify us as the United States of Different Races, but as the United States of America.  I have yet to read a BBC article outlining the U.S. news by race.  Do they do that in South Africa? What we have to realize is that it is up us to ourselves to build up each other.  I can't live comfortably knowing a friend of mine is having hard times.  I will offer help and advice, and if they choose to take it...so be it.  Also, people here need to realize the resources and opportunities we have and take advantage of them.  It's so easy fo...

My head is in the clouds My heart is wondering aimlessly My soul is stuck in time travel My words are bouncing everywhere from here to there but not out. I try to pull and mold myself back to whole, but pieces continue to fall everywhere I try to use adhesive, but nothing sticks I try to envision myself as one, but I continue to see orbits I let alone the parts of me that are all over the place For whatever reason they came apart, they will regroup again And I will again be one and balanced.

Prior to turning 30, I was constantly in an anxious state afraid that I was on the road to no where, unaware of my purpose in life.  As if on queue, a series of events occurred and a more than a year later, I have finally reached a level of understanding.  It seems that after doing a lot of what I don't want to do, and being in places I don't want to be, I have finally managed to stand up to my inner avoidance and declare war.  Funny thing is that I read somewhere that a Buddhist hell involves dreams of epic battles that doesn't seem winnable.  Since middle school those dreams have plagued my mind, and I could never determine what side I was on.  Perhaps in my previous life I was stoic to my surroundings, and died regretting achievement of my personal pursuit.  Now I seem to live as if any day I will die, refusing to survive and only live. Just about a week ago, I was in stress mode when I had to list the places I've lived and worked within ...

My soul went on a journey, leaving me in an anxious state.   Searching for a cause, which was calling out so great. Traveling back through time, and then forward through space, until it finally paused upon a found mind, with a surprisingly familiar face. Is this my true love that cannot be?  Calling me from his mind, in a room apart from his family. My body became calm, and I fell asleep...leaving the souls together for a little while...momentairly.

Solitude and lonlieness are two separate things.  Solitdude means that you have found purpose in your alone time (exempting those in confinement).  Lonlieness is mental anxiety.  Being alone with yourself...fears and all.  Being alone forces you to take a look at your life from the outside in, and the affect is greater if you are beyond your elements.  Here I am, nearing the age of 31, always looking for adventure, and yet have no patience for when and where.  Spontaneous decisions that most people take years to plan, but I think of in one month and hastly execute 2 or 3 months later.  Chasing sunsets across cities, ridges and valleys.  Sleeping in a vehicle with no room to put the seat down, and have swollen feet that can't fit inside shoes.  No place to officially call home, and once I do....there isn't anywhere to put my belongings, because I discarded and left everything else as if the state of Maryland was under attack.  ...

If a guy claims he's too nice...chances are, he isn't.  People who attribute such roles to themselves have proclaimed that outward image.  Only by stating what you are, is an attempt to believe who you want to be. I'd like to think that I'm a nice person, but I do meet people I wish to be hit by a bus.  In reality, that is not the thinking of a "nice" person, but a human being.  I can be nice, evil, compassionate, and caring; however, I  already know those things, and don't have to label myself to make me believe what I'm not. Self proclaimed Mr. Nice Guys are just undiscovered assholes. This weekend I thought of ways people "bait" others for various reasons.  It could be for personal or business gain, and I envisioned how fishermen bait their hooks for a fish.  Depending on your preference, the fish is either kept or thrown back.  Either way, the process of fishing itself is planned and thought out.  Where to fish, what to f...

Collectively, the theme of the week seems to be about letting go of the past.  It seems easy to do, but when the doors become opened, the past becomes the present.  Memories that were once buried into a time safe, become unearthed into a shattering new world...that is robust with life.  Memories that I wasn't aware of their emotional character and physical clout. Last night as we exhaustingly drove through a familiar town to our final destination, I was submerged into a whirlwind of laughter, pain, music, duty, food, and a semblance of love.  The past was living parallel to the present; in which my current self was examining who I was, and the striking difference could not be sanely evaluated.  Were you really happy?  Was life really fun?  Undoubtedly, you were deeply in love. What would the younger self say to me now?  "If I knew I would be washed out at 30, I probably should have stayed in..."  Yes, she would be very disappointed. ...

To this day I have no idea how my mom managed as a military spouse with 5 kids, and being a Family Care Provider of 6 kids during the day.  I can barely manage 2 as a single parent, and promptly clock out when my kids fall asleep.  "Mommy who at 10pm?" However, what prompted further understanding of a mother's world and mind was derived from a book I read this past week; Please Look After Mom .  It is a phenomenal book, where the mom becomes lost in a subway station, and her children begin to really think about her role as a mother, and realize that she too had a life and thoughts beyond that role.  At one point in the book, prior to the mom missing, one of the daughters questioned whether or not their mom liked being in the kitchen.  All day they would see her preparing meals, and never thought about whether she liked it or not.  However, the response of the mother was that it was something that had to be done. As parents, we just do things that have ...

Here I am again, perched on my couch, with a giddy school girl laugh....deeply reeled into   Korean dramas .  Their amusement, characters, story lines, and country have royally killed my love life.  In my world there are no A typical men vying for my attention, with caveman like romances.  Nope, I get the quiet observant males who'll keep their hearts to theirself, while I continue to wonder around searching for potentials in other cities.  Unfortunately, I don't notice the quiet ones, because like many things in my whirlwind world, it's hard to see what wants to be hidden, or what I overlook due to my goldfish mentality. Perhaps I'm sabotaging myself, and have become a succubus to my own life.  I already know the perfect male doesn't exist, with fluorescent lights indicating their "perfect" qualities, that may or may not be in tune with mine.  However, when I look at these nicely orchestrated dramas, I can't help but think that ...

Sitting at a table near the cook, who was transforming noodles, vegetables, spices and meat into masterpieces of meals, with amazing simplicity.  Who we always assumed was his wife, shaped rice with a dish and prepared the meals, while a younger female refilled cups of tea from a water cooler, in which I always poured copiously with liquid sugar.  The best restaurant in the world, where you ate, and then left to make room for the patrons waiting outside.  The only place in the world, that served the best yakisoba....that still has me salivating 7 years later.  The only place that I have been to, where they were constantly packed, but remembered their customers. Driving in early humid mornings, and laughing at twitching sea crab legs sprawled out on the highway.  Driving along side the water which was so blue, and smelled of sea life.  A world consisting of perfect sunrises and sunsets, atop a place of tranquility and peace.  Combining the feel of th...

There are some days where I look at my children, and wonder what will become of their life.  After that, I think of ways to help prepare them for situations, that they should be able to control.  For instance, I remember getting in trouble in school because I was offended and arguing with kids about "your momma" jokes.  At that time, I was probably in the first grade, but I remember arguing my case to my mom, on how the kids were talking about her.  What she said, is something that changed my life; which was, "Nicole, they don't know me".  Instantly I understood, and had nothing else to say.  Lessons such as those, are currently work in progress within our household...and will be for a while. In fact, isn't it amazing how some people have no idea of who you are, and yet want to pass judgement on your beliefs, way of life, or moral character.  It's because of that, I look at my children, and wonder about all the things I love about them, and...

Entering Walmart, a young man greeted me and my family with a cart.  I did not see a badge, but thanked him and began our shopping.  Thinking of dinner items for the week, late night snacks, and toiletries, we wondered throughout the store to our usual aisles.  Finally, after enough hunger pains, and homework to do, we left the store an hour later. Leaving out the same door we came through, we were approached by a young lady selling candy from a bag.  I informed her that I didn't carry cash, and apologized.  However, while walking to the car, all I could think about was what were they using the money for, how old were they, and what's going on?  Either way, they seemed to be in need of help.  After the car was packed, and children were strapped in, we drove off.  While I was driving, I was calculating our expenses, and other ways our funds were going to be spent.  Before long, I found myself heading to the ATM.   Are they working...

So, here I am attempting another act...in the nude.  Sometimes I'd like to think certain things do not have such an effect on me, but that's just my delusional thinking.  However, late at night when I'm sitting on my couch deep in thought, accompanied by the TV, Internet, and sounds of the neighbors and of the night, my walls crumble down.  Fear, anxiety, and a surge of excitement cluster my brain cells.  My strategies that I once revelled in dissipates, and I am left with doubt, and find myself standing on a path that has split itself.  Either path is evenly filled with sacrifices, tenacity and compromises. While standing at the crossroads, all I am reminded of is 18 long months of fighting for common ground.  Yet, all of it has manifested into this moment, for the better.  Along with the worries, there are comforts.  Along with  fear, there is a sense of rebirth...and constant sanity check.  Unfortunately, through all the fighti...

There was  as sort of feeling that arose from today, and it could have been that spring has finally sprung and the cold weather will stay away. But whatever it was, for ever it may be, I felt an ease that will last what futuristically felt eternally. Sometimes I lie dormant, calm...happy, and then comes a jubilant moment where life seems clear, and I understand why things must be. In this panoramic view I can see you, me, we, and the intrinsic design of Aum...respectively. *Today is far from spring, but the emotion resurfaced nonetheless.